An Average Guy on Second Life

Something VERY exciting is happening today!

There has been a hole in the blogosphere for a little while now, but that is about to change.

My favorite person in SL, and the author of one of my favorites blogs has returned.  She has been gone for a bit, and I have missed her deeply.  But today she makes her return, and I have been blessed that she agreed to write on this blog.

She has a very unique style and perspective on things.  I have given her cart blanche to write about anything she so desires, which is exactly what I liked about her previous blog.

I am sooooo thrilled to have her here!

Ladies and Gentleman, please help me welcome the incomparable....

Rylan Carling!

*kisses her hand

(Part 2 of Better, Stronger, Faster is still in the works, but given that it's Thursday, I felt this might be appropriate)

Son:  Dad, what do women want?

Me:  How much time do you have?

I have been dreading this day.  I knew it would come, but I have been dreading it.

As a parent, it's my job to educate my boys on how to be sucessful in the real world.  I have tried to be a good role model.  Both his mother and I have done our best to model a healthy relationship (which we happen to have, so it does not take any effort to model it).  As a father, I feel it is my job to help my boys be successful in matters of the heart as well, since I have, for the most part, been pretty darn successful.

But how do I answer this question?

It's a question that has been asked over and over, for time and memorial.  What do women want. What do men want.  And there are soo many different answers.

I have listened to what women have said they want.  Then watched them go after, or become involved with exactly the opposite.  I have also had women describe thier "perfect" guy.  Most of which fit me pretty well at the time.  Did they show any interest in me?  No, not really.  I was not sure how much help I was going to be!

The conversation continued while we walked the dogs...

Son:  There is this girl.  I like her a lot, but I don't know what to do to get her to notice me.

Me:  What is it about this girl that you like?

Son:  She is funny.  She has a great smile.  She is very smart, and talented (she is in chior and band)

Me:  Well, there are things you can do to maybe get her to notice you.  But most important:  Do not change who you are to try and win her over.  If she does not like you for who you are, then even if you are able to establish some sort of relationship, it will be a short one.

Son:  I am not sure what you mean.

Me:  You are going to meet lots of girls in your lifetime.  Some you will be attracted to, some you won't.  Some will be attracted to you, some won't.  Through it all, if you remain true to who you are, then the right girl will find you, and it will be what was meant to be.  But always remember, there will be girls that you fall for, that will not return your feelings.  That is ok.  It does not always work out.

Son: How will I know?

Me:  Listen to your gut.  Trust it.  There will be times when she is just not into you.  That does not mean you are not worthy.  I just means it was not meant to be with her.

Son:  But I really like her.

Me: I know.  I have been there.  You just have to trust that if it is suppose to happen, it will.  It might not happen on a time table you want (like NOW), and it may never happen.  But if you try and push it, or force it, trust me it will not work.

Son:  *sighs.  Ok, but she sure is cute.

Me:  *laughs.  I am sure she is.

(she is VERY cute actually.  My son has good taste, just like his dad)

As I sat down at the computer later that night, I was struck by a memory.  A memory of my youth, on how hard it was when the girl I liked didn't like me back.  It was heart wrenching.  It was painful.  I hated it.  I doubted myself.  I asked myself all the typical questions:  Why doesn't she like me?  She seems to like Billy..what makes Billy better than me?  I am a nicer person than Billy, so why would she like Billy more than me?  yada yada yada.

Through all those times, the one thing that was always there was that I knew I was a nice person.  I knew I was a good person.  Obviously there was something about me, that didn't "click" with said girl, and I may never know what that was, but I could not find anything in myself, that would NOT be attractive (No, I am not perfect, but I do try..;) ).  So I eventually chaulked it up to "she was just not into me".

I became a bit better at it as I grew older, and ended up meeting the woman of my dreams, getting married, having kids, the whole dream.  But I had a few relationships before her, and there were times when I just did not understand what I was doing wrong.

But that conversation with my son brought back a lot of those youthful memories.  Not all great memories, but memories just the same.  Memories of times where I didn't want to believe that someone I had feelings for, did not return those feelings.  It was very hard to accept.  Eventually, I had to accept them, and I learned from it.

Not having someone return my feelings does not invalidate those feelings, nor does it mean that person that didn't return them is a bad person.  As I told my son, she just "was not into me".  Simple as that.

It sounds easy.  It is not.  But when it is the truth, then it is the truth.  Let it go.  Which again, easier said than done.  Especially when you are young, and are dealing with all the raging hormones.  The heart wants what the heart wants, even if it is not reciprocated.

I am glad my son talks to me about these things.  I just hope I have had enough experience to help him through it.

I love being a dad, but there are times when I feel really stupid for losing the instruction manaul.

Happy Love Thursday everybody

Change is an interesting thing.  Sometimes it happens quickly, other times it happens so slowly you do not really notice it.  Then all of sudden you see it, and think.."when did THAT happen?".

I have had a few of those "When did that happen" moments recently, but I am only going to talk about one of them today.

A few weeks ago, I was popping around SL, shopping, playing with a few new vehicles I acquired, and just generally having a good time.  I had been noticing things were taking longer to render, but had not really paid that much attention to it.  Then I had my moment.  When it took my new home over 20 minutes to render, I knew something was wrong.

So I started out on my quest to find the problem.  I did all the things I have done in the past to get rid of lag problems.  I cleared my cache.  I checked all my drivers for updates.  I made sure Windows had all its updates.  I ran a full virus scan.  I ran a full spyware scan.  I made sure some other program had not snuck into my startup groups that might be running in the background. I did the works.

As you may have deduced, I have had a LOT of experience dealing with lag in SL.  Not only from my side, but helping friends deal with thiers also.  I am a research maniac, so when faced with a technical problem, I start digging, and don't stop until I am satisfied that there IS no solution, or I find it.

The quick end to this story, is that I am no longer lagging, in any significant way.  But for those who are interested, I thought I would share what I did to get here.

As I said, I started by looking around my system, to see what needed to be updated.  I learned many many...many...years ago, that before you dive into any sort of tech problem, always check for updated software.  I cannot tell you how many times I spent hours, if not days trying to solve a problem, then I finally would call the company and hear "oh, we fixed that in version x.y".  Always check for Windows and driver updates.

Virus scans.  I happen to use AVG (http://free.grisoft.com) for my virus protection.  I started using it with my clients many years ago, when Norton Antivirus finally became unusable for most people.  AVG does a great job, and does not try and take over my computer.   It is free for home/personal use, and updates on a daily basis.

Spyware:  I use Spybot (http://www.safer-networking.org ).  I load up the tea-timer option, which is resident.  It monitors the parts of the system that programs like to sneak into so they can load each time Windows does.  It can be a bit technical in its messages, but at least I know when something is trying to sneak in.  Spybot is also free, but does not update automatically.  I usually run a full scan about once every two week, after I manually update its signature files.

Auto loading:  There are many programs that will tell you what is loading each time Windows loads up, but I just use msconfig.  If I dont recognize a file that is loading, I just google it, and can usually find out what it is pretty darn fast.  You can run msconfig by clicking on the "Start" button, then "run" and type in "msconfig" (without the "'s).  The "startup" tab will show you all the programs that are loading on startup.

Combofix:  This is an amazing little program.  I was told about it by another IT friend, and it has saved my bacon a few times.   It is able to remove stuff most antivirus's cannot.  Download it from http://bleepingcomputer.com  Exit all of your programs, then just run it.  It will shut down most of the things running in the background, and scan for some very nasty stuff.  It will reboot your system, so be prepared for that.  Everybody should run this program.  You can download it from http://www.bleepingcomputer.com/combofix/how-to-use-combofix

Free Space:  Check your hard drive for free available space.  If you click on "My Computer", you should see all your hard drives.  Then go to the View Menu, and click on "details".  It will show you the total size of your drive, and the free space.  If you are under 1 gig, you may have a problem.   If you can, try freeing up some space, or upgrade to a larger hard drive.

Defragmenting:   I stopped doing this on a regular basis about 5 years ago.   Starting in Windows XP, Microsoft built in a rudimentary defragger.  Basically it means that Windows does some stuff that helps applications load faster after a few runs.  But even given that, over time your files definitly become fragmented on the hard drive.  This can cause a general slowdown of loading files, especially large files Ii.e. pictures, movies, graphics files, textures, etc).  I started using a free defragger called "defraggler" a little while ago, and I really do like it (http://www.defraggler.com).  One of the nice features it has is the ability to defrag only the free space, or even just a file or a folder.  I have defragged just the SL cache folder, and I do notice a difference on things loading.

Memory:  Memory is like money:  You can never have too much.   If you computer is low on memory, then it is working VERY hard to do all the things you are asking of it.  Quickest way to check:  Right mouseclick on "My Computer" (either on the desktop, or in the start menu), and then click "properties".  The tabbed box that comes up should be defaulted onto the "General" Tab.  At the bottom of that window, it should tell you all sorts of techie info, including how much RAM you have.  If you have less then 1 gig, you are really pushing things.   The cheapest thing you can do to upgrade your computer is to put in the maximum amount of RAM that your system can handle.  You will be amazed at how much faster things run when you have enough RAM.

Graphics/Video Cards:  If you are running a Desktop computer, this can be another fairly inexpensive upgrade to your system (If you are on a laptop, you are most likely stuck with what you have, sorry).  Many systems come with "built-in" graphics, usually an "Intel" graphics chip.  These are usually very basic, and while they do work, they are about as slow as you can get.  If you are going to look for an upgrade, you first have to know what type of card your system will take, which can get somewhat technical (i.e. PCI slot, PCI-Express Slot, AGI, etc).   What I can tell you is that the more ram you get on the video card, the better.  Also, you do not need to spend more than maybe $150 US Dollars for a card that will be MORE than enough for almost everybody (Graphic designers, engineers, animators are the exceptions).  I have purchased some very nice video cards with 512 megs of ram for around $80.  

More on Graphics:  There are two major Video Card Manufacturers out there.  ATI and Nvidia.   I have used both brands, and while each have thier issues at times, both run very well.   I have used ATI cards longer than Nvidia has been around, but I have had lots of experience with the NVidia's also and have not been disappointed.  It's hard for me to tell you exactly which one to get, because if you have every tried to compare these brands, its enough to drive you to drink with all the chipsets and model numbers etc.  I tend to look at the memory, and the price.  I have not been disappointed yet.

Second Life:  This is where it gets interesting.  This will be part 2.  Stay tuned

HEALING HATRED
By His Holiness the Dalai Lama

"The destructive effects of hatred are very visible, very obvious and immediate. For example, when a strong or forceful thought of hatred arises, at that very instant it overwhelms one totally and destroys one's peace and presence of mind. When that hateful thought is harboured inside, it makes one feel tense and uptight, and can cause loss of appetite, leading to loss of sleep, and so forth.


If we examine how anger or hateful thoughts arise in us, we will find that, generally speaking, they arise when we feel hurt, when we feel that we have been unfairly treated by someone against our expectations. If in that instant we examine carefully the way anger arises, there is a sense that it comes as a protector, comes as a friend that would help our battle or in taking revenge against the person who has inflicted harm on us. So the anger or hateful thought that arises appears to come as a shield or a protector. But in reality that is an illusion. It is a very delusory state of mind.

Chandrakirti states in Entry into the Middle Way that there might be some justification for responding to force with force if revenge would help one in any way, or prevent or reduce the harm which has already been inflicted. But that is not the case because if the harm, the physics. injury or whatever, has been inflicted, it has already taken place. So taking revenge will not in any way reduce or prevent that harm or injury because it has already happened.

On the contrary, if one reacts to a situation in a negative way instead of in a tolerant way, not only is there no immediate benefit, but also a negative attitude and feeling is created which is the seed of one's future downfall. From the Buddhist point of view, the consequence of taking revenge has to be faced by the individual alone in his or he future life. So not only is there no immediate benefit, it is harmful in the long run for the individual.


However, if one has been treated very unfairly and if the situation is left unaddressed, it may have extremely negative consequences for the perpetrator of the crime. Such a situation calls for a strong counteraction. Under such circumstances, it is possible that one can, out of compassion for the perpetrator of the crime and without generating anger or hatred, actually take a strong stand and take strong countermeasures. In fact, one of the precepts of the Bodhisattva vows is to take strong countermeasures when the situation calls for it. If a Bodhisattva doesn't take strong countermeasures when the situation requires, then that constitutes an infraction of one of the vows.


In addition, as the Entry into the Middle Way points out, not only does the generation of hateful thoughts lead to undesirable forms of existence in future lives, but also, at the moment that strong feelings of anger arise, no matter how hard one tries to adopt a dignified pose, one's face looks rather ugly. There is an unpleasant expression, and the vibration that the person sends is very hostile. People can sense it, and it is almost as if one can feel steam coming out of that person's body. Indeed not only are human beings capable of sensing it, but pets and other animals also try to avoid that person at that instant.
If we examine how anger or hateful thoughts arise in us, we will find that, generally speaking, they arise when we feel hurt, when we feel that we have been unfairly treated by someone against our expectations.


These are the immediate consequences of hatred. It brings about a very ugly, unpleasant physical transformation of the individual. In addition, when such intense anger and hatred arise, it makes the best part of our brain, which is the ability to judge between right and wrong and assess long-term and short-term consequences, become totally inoperable. It can no longer function. It is almost as if the person had become crazy. These are the negative effects of generating anger and hatred. When we think about these negative and destructive effects of anger and hatred, we realise that it is necessary to distance ourselves from such emotional explosions. Insofar as the destructive effects of anger and hateful thoughts are concerned, one cannot get protection from wealth; even if one is a millionaire, one is subject to these destructive effects of anger and hatred. Nor can education guarantee that one will be protected from these effects. Similarly, the law cannot guarantee protection. Even nuclear weapons, no matter how sophisticated the defence system may be, cannot give one protection or defend one from these effects. The only factor that can give refuge or protection from the destructive effects of anger and hatred is the practice of tolerance and patience."

The Dalai Lama from Healing Anger: The Power of Patience from a Buddhist Perspective:


Beauty is not just how you look, but how you feel, and how you think.


Tell your beautiful friends how much they mean to you today!   


Have a BEAUTIFUL Wednesday!

As I blogged about a little while ago, I have been making lots of changes to my Second Life.  Some were not voluntary, but most of them are and I have been having a ball with them!

I decided that not only did I need a new place, but also that summer shall never end in my world.  I don't care what the calendar says, SUMMER shall reign in my world!

So with that in mind, I started shopping for a tropical island that I could hide from the reality of winter on.  Funny thing is, it did not take me long to find the PERFECT spot.

I found myself a tropical island that is surrounded by water (I know, an island by definition is surrounded by water so shush), and has TONS of open space and water to play with some new toys I have indulged in (there will be a blog post on those later).

So with the land aquired, I needed a new dwelling!  This SIM has some specific covenants in keeping with the tropical theme, so I had to really look around.

As I have said before, when I am shopping for something, I usually do not have a specific "thing" in mind, but I do know when I have found exactly what I am looking for!

As with the land, my search really did not take that long.  I found exactly what I wanted, at a place I had never heard of before.

This is what I found (click for larger view).


It's called the MAALAEA from Tiki Tattoo, created by Hatzfeld Runo.

There were several homes that I just loved, but given the size of my island, I felt that this particular model suited it best.

It comes furnished with all the furniture you see in the following pictures.  Hatzfeld has done a wonderful job with the built in animations also!

Here are a few more shots of my new home (click on each picture for a larger view).








Tiki Tattoo also has a ton of great beach/tiki related stuff.   I will be going back to round out my beach front here shortly.

You definitly should swing by and take a look at what Hatzfeld has put together, you will not be disappointed!

Surfs Up!

Another typical Sunday at the Zanzibar household. I am working with my boys on our weekly clean the house chores. As I am moving kid stuff from the living room (which the boys think is thier closet) to thier rooms, my eye catches something in my youngest sons pile of paper work.

A sticker that read "No Violence is GREAT!"

One the surface this seems perfectly fine, even good.  But something came to my mind that made me think of the phrase "The road to hell is paved with good intentions".

The intention of this little sticker is wonderful. Nobody condones violence. But here is my thoughts on the matter.

I have done a LOT of reading and personal reflection on how our minds work. How we process information, how we establish habits and all that fun stuff. There is one thing that I have read over and over again from many different sources. Our subconscious minds do not understand negatives.

What does that mean? It means that to our subconscious minds, the phrase "No Violence is GREAT!" actually translates into "Violence is GREAT!" Talk about unintended consequences!

This concept, btw, extends into many realms of our everyday lives. Many people work from the position of "Don't do this" or "Don't do that". I like to work from a position of "here is what you CAN do!". I try and deal with my boys that way also. I do point out things that they should not do, and why, but I always alway try and point out what the CAN do! It would seem to me that a life centered around "CAN" is much better than a life centered around "can't".

If you are involved in any sort of compaign, or think you might be in the future, think about this. Instead of telling people what they "shouldn't" do, try and find a way to convey your message in a way that is about what they "should" do.

I think the Beatles stated it in the simplest terms. Instead of "No H8t", maybe it really is "All you need is LOVE".

Happy Sunday Everybody!