Do you know....

...who you really are?

Do you have a vision of yourself? Do you run scenarios in your head such as "if this were to happen, how would I react"?

I do this a lot. I will look at what I will be doing on any particular day and let my head run through scenarios on how I will handle certain things, if they were to happen.

When I was younger, I would do this with school, girls, work, family, just about anything. I would have scenarios running through my head all the time. Was not alway great for the attention span, but I have this fear of being in a situation, and having NO idea what to do.

I think the fear of being helpless is probably one of my greatest fears, next to my fear of being misunderstood. I have never wanted to be in a situation where I would just...give up. I cannot even fathom that.

Before I joined Second Life, I had a pretty good idea about who I was. What type of person I was. One the things that just intrigued the hell out of me about our little world here is that I could try out different things that I had never tried before, see if I liked it. With all the role playing, and abilities to become anything I want, I did find it interesting to discover, that heck, I really like ME, I like who I am.

This experience has really reinforced the person that I am. I have found a world where the current rules of our societies do not exist in the same form. Many of the limitations of our Real Life existance do not exist in Second Life. What type of person would I be in that world?

How wierd is it to discover that the person I am is actually the person I would CHOOSE to be, give the opportunity to be ANYTHING, or ANYONE, I want?!

Now I will admit..there are times, where I see a result that someone gets, that I was not able to achieve, and think.."damn, I should look at how that was done, cause I would like some of that". But more often than not, I find that what that person did to achieve that goal, was not only not the type of person I am or wanted to be, but the results that I thought were attractive, was only temporary.

So I run scenarios. If I do this, what will the outcome be. Will it be temporary? or permanent. How much energy will be required to get said desired result. Is that result actually worth the energy? How much energy will be requried to maintain the desired result? Is it worth it?

This all makes for some very interesting conversations in my head. I ask myself questions. What does "this" really mean. Why did I react THAT way, in this particular circumstance. Why did that action make me (sad, mad, happy, etc). What was it about that, that really triggered that emotion.

Some might say that I think TOO much. There are times when I would agree with that. But most of the time, it's all of these thoughts, and conversations, and scenarios, that have helped me be who I am. Helped me be able to NOT react in certain ways, because I know, or at least have a pretty good idea, why I MIGHT react that way, and can look at myself, and say "hmm..well, that sucks, but...I can handle it".

I truly wonder, how much of a freak this all makes me. Do other people do this? Do other people...think about who they are? What kind of person they currently are, and what kind of person they truly want to be?

Do YOU know?

I Don't Get It!

Why is it that people have such a hard time admitting they were wrong or made a mistake?

I have been dealing with customers all day long, and many of them are really just being wierd.

It is painfully obvious that they were completely wrong, or assumed something they should not have, but are getting angry at ME. I really want to ask them "if YOU made an incorrect assumption, why are you talking it out on me?"

This is something I have noticed over the years. I have really tried to understand this phenomena. I am still not there.

What is SOOOO bad about saying "man, was I wrong on that", or "boy, I sure made a wrong decision there, didn't I". Are people afraid of ridicule? When was the last time you ridiculed, outside of friendly ribbing, someone who admitted making a mistake?

I know I am not perfect, as I know nobody else is also. We learn more from our mistakes than we do from our successes, so I would think that admitting to them, would be a something to not necessarily be afraid of.

But it seems that more often than not, people will stand by a decision, no matter HOW bad, just to keep from admitting that they were wrong. I guess I just don't see the reason being RIGHT is soo important that they will keep the bad decision going.


Do people think it will make them look weak? That they will lose respect if they admit to being wrong? Do they even THINK about it that much? or is it just a reaction, with no thought at all.

I know that if somebody comes to me with a problem, and they take responsibility for thier own mistake, or misunderstanding, and don't try and blame me for it, that I am more than happy to help them as much as I can. But if a person is getting angry with me, because of something THEY failed to do, I have zero modivation to do anything to help them, and I am usually tempted, to tell them what a compelete moron they are. But I never do because 1) they won't get it, and 2) it just brings me down to thier level, which I refuse to do.

So I let it go, but I am truly interested in understanding this mindset. Any hints? clues?

Please let me know.

Why is it...

...that people can be soooo self absorbed?

I hesitate to share this story, but it brings forward a very important point I believe, so I am going to.

On my way to work in the morning, I usually stop at the local Gas & Sip (smirks) for a cup of coffee, and maybe a bearclaw. This particular stop is pretty busy in the morning, since most of the locals stop there.

There was a line for the coffee machine, which is not unusual. As a woman approached the machine, she discovered that the hot chocolate dispenser was not working right. So the gentleman behind her, who I happen to know a little (I live in a pretty small little bedroom community) steps up, and tries to help. He futzed with it for bout 2 minutes, pretty much making a mess, then gave up and left.

This woman thanked him for his attempt, then just stood there, obviously disappointed that she was not gonna be able to get her morning hot chocolate fix. Everybody else just kinda stood around, some were bitching, some were just, I don't know, in a daze.

Being a somewhat handy guy, I moved up and poked around a bit on the machine. When the other guy started, only the hot chocolate was broken. But now, all the dispensers were not working. So I opened it up, pulled the hot chocolate cartridge out, pulled all the parts off, inspected them, then washed them all in the sink right next to it.

I fiddled with all the parts, cleaned them, made sure there was no blockages, and carefully put it all back together. This took me all of about 5 minutes. After getting everything back into place, I closed the front panel, and all the lights showed it was ready to go again.

I took the womans cup, emptied it into the sink, and put it under the hot chocolate dispenser, and VIOLA! Hot chocolate began to pour out, just like it is supposed to.

What I didn't realize at this point, is that everybody in the place had gathered around to watch me work. When the hot chocolate started to pour, I got a huge round of applause. It actually scared the crap out of me, cause I was not paying any attention to anybody else, as I focused on this dispenser.

The woman thanked me profusely, which was very sweet. I got my coffee, and my bear claw (which I was given for free), and was on my way.

The moral of this story?

There are many things I try and teach my children, and I try to live myself. 1) Don't start something, unless you intend to finish it. A job half done, is not begun, as they say. and 2) If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

I was just getting soo pissed at all the people who were just standing around...bitching, complaining, and blaming others for their woes, waiting for someone ELSE to deal with the issue. I cannot be like that. If I see that I can do something, I will do it. If I cannot do anything, I will go on my merry way, and not be any worse for it.

The 2 people working at this place, are very nice and helpful people. It was very crowded, and they were dealing with customers on other issues as this all was happening. There really was no way either one of them could have made over there to deal with THIS issue, when there were so many other issues going on. When I tried to refuse the free coffee and bear claw, the shift leader was VERY insistent that I take them. Who was I to argue.

One other thing I try and teach my sons. Always leave a place better than how you found it. That actually applies to people too. I always try to leave any interactions with people, with them feeling better than when I found them.

I find the best way to teach, is to model. SHOW them how to be, and kids will learn.

Anyway...I hope ALL of you have a fantastic day!

This too...shall pass!

Good Morning Everybody!

I had an interesting experience yesterday. I had a REALLY REALLY bad day yesterday, in RL. Nothing MAJOR, just a lot of things didn't go as expected, and a lot of people were being VERY dumb.

I have never been a very creative person. I love art, and all the different things that people create, but I have never really been able to "create" something that I felt was worth ANYTHING.

I recently have been playing in Photoshop, which has been an interesting. I love photography in RL, but have never gotten into "processing" photos, mostly because of lack of time, and with the digital camera's these days, most of my pictures turn out pretty good.

I have enjoyed doing photograph in SL also, but something about it has always come up short for me. I see what so many residents do with SL photography, and I am just in awe of them. I never even considered doing some of the stuff they do, because I really never knew how.

A couple of friends of mine, do some great things with SL photography, so I finally got brave enough to ask a few questions (I hate bothering people with stuff like that, I usually can figure things out on my own), and from what I learned from these wonderful people, I became a bit more comfortable with Photoshop and all the great tools that it has.

So why am I telling you all this? Well as I said, I had a really bad day yesterday. As I was driving home from work an old song came on the radio that I had not heard in a VERY long time, but I somehow connected with it when I was very young, in a weird way. I don't necessarily connect with all lyrics, but the general theme of the song I do connect with, or did connect with, and the song some has a special place in me.

While I was singing the my car, I had a vision. I picture formed in my head, which is not uncommon really, but this time was different. Not only did I have the picture, but I thought "Hmmm...I wonder if I could create this image in Photoshop".

With that thought, I got a bit excited. I would have to figure out a few things, but I LOVE learning new things, so I accepted the challenge! I got home, had dinner with my boys, who were all excited bout their new Wii game their grandmother got my son, and so I was left to my own devices.

What was so exciting about this idea is that all the way home, I was plotting how I was create this "image". I thought about if I would need to find a certain SIM for part, or what kind of clothes I would want to wear. All these aspects, are not hard to piece together in SL, so I started to work.

I did a quick search on Xstreet and found the clothes I felt would work pretty quickly. I then took a few shoots inworld, tried a few different angles, then set out into Photoshop.

The "image" morphed a little bit as I was working, but the general theme remained. I played with layers, had to figure out how to make a layer about 50% transparent (gotta just LOVE google search, and online Photoshop tutorials!), and had to cut out a few things, and then put them back.

I had a couple of false starts, but I learned long ago to save my work as I go, at different stages so it was easy to go back a few steps, and start over. It really started to come together about 11pm, which is about the time I start to get tired.

So, with all the layers done, I saved my work. I loaded up the final version and I was fairly pleased with it. I learned several new things with this one, which always makes me smile.

After all this, I posted it on Plurk and dropped it on my best friend. I felt kinda bad bout dropping it when I did, cause I was so exhausted, that I just dropped it said goodnight, and logged out. I could not even keep my eyes open long enough to know if my friend even GOT it.

Anyway, I told you all of that, to tell you this. Once again, Second Life...and this time...Photoshop...has given me an outlet, to process something that was happening in RL in a wonderful way. I LOVE this crazy world!

What is that? You want to see the picture? Oh...yeah...sorry. I posted it on Plurk here Plurk Post. By the way, if you don't know what Plurk is, you should check it out HERE. And if you join, friend me HERE.

I also posted it in Flickr here Behind Blue Eyes

I really enjoyed the process, and it did come out pretty close to my "image" I had in my head. Not only did creating this help elevate my mood, but it showed me something very important.

Being creative is not just about creating something beautiful, it's creating something that says something, even if that something is only temporary. like my mood was.

OK, enough babbling. I hope you have a fantastic day, and that YOU have some way, of expressing your moods, that helps you process through them!

Til next time!

It's that time again!

The April issue of ROLE Magazine is OUT!

Everybody has done such a fantastic job on this issue!

And don't forget to check out the AMAZING giveaway!

btw, I am on page 74..:)