.....usually.
I do try and be honest. It's not always easy, and I don't always succeed at it. Sometimes I am not honest because I think that being honest would just hurt someones feelings, or because I don't think it will accomplish anything.
I have had a few instances over the last several months, where I decided I didn't care about the consequences, and I was brutally honest with someone. It was not the "I hate your shoes" type of honesty, but more of "This is how I felt about what you did". I was hurt by something, and even though it was MY hurt, and I did not "blame" the other person for my hurt, for some reason I was driven to make sure they knew about it.
The funny thing is, that after I expressed my "feelings" on the issue, I noticed that my anger and frustration about that particular situation seemed to diminish greatly. I should qualify this, cause this "discussion" I had was not in any sort of public forum. It was a private conversation. We were having a discussion and while it started out as a casual conversation, it turned to a subject I was not happy with, and I brought up how I was feeling.
Anyway, I did find it interesting how much my "pent up" anger and frustration was now gone after that particular conversation. For the most part, I do not "fight" with people. I honestly feel that words spoken in anger do more harm than good. I would like to think that in this particular instance, that while I was "angry", what I expressed was not a just said to spite someone, but was a true expression of how something made me feel.
I don't think this experience is going to make me start going around telling everybody about how something makes me feel, but I think I might be a little more open to, given the right circumstance, express my "feelings" about something to help me process through it, and then let it go.
It is interesting however, to note that while talking to others about an "issue" can be helpful (i.e. bff's, significant others, therapists etc), I think it is not quite the same as actually telling the person you have the "issue" with. This is not always possible, and usually can lead to more arguements. I don't recommend just blindly going out and telling every person you have "issues" with exactly how you feel about them, because truely the "issues" are with you. But if there is someone in your life that you are "angry" with, and you think you have a good handle on "why" you are angry (i.e. what is it that you are "really" angry about), if that person is important enough to you, you might be able to have that conversation about it, and then maybe you can get past it and start moving forward again.
Most people are not able to handle someone telling them exactly how they felt about something they did. Most will get defensive and take it like an attack on them, which kinda defeats the purpose. This personal experience however, has made me realize that even if I am listening to someone tell me how something I did made them feel bad, or angry, or sad, or whatever, it is important to let them express those feelings, because while I cannot undo something that I might have done, hopefully by being honest with me about it, it will not fester and become something much bigger than it has to be. Unresolved anger/frustration is nothing but a cancer that eats away at our very soul, so I hope I can be a better friend/husband/father by taking what people might tell me, and hearing it for what it truly is, an opportunity for growth.
I can always hope, right?
Happy Friday everybody!
I do try and be honest. It's not always easy, and I don't always succeed at it. Sometimes I am not honest because I think that being honest would just hurt someones feelings, or because I don't think it will accomplish anything.
I have had a few instances over the last several months, where I decided I didn't care about the consequences, and I was brutally honest with someone. It was not the "I hate your shoes" type of honesty, but more of "This is how I felt about what you did". I was hurt by something, and even though it was MY hurt, and I did not "blame" the other person for my hurt, for some reason I was driven to make sure they knew about it.
The funny thing is, that after I expressed my "feelings" on the issue, I noticed that my anger and frustration about that particular situation seemed to diminish greatly. I should qualify this, cause this "discussion" I had was not in any sort of public forum. It was a private conversation. We were having a discussion and while it started out as a casual conversation, it turned to a subject I was not happy with, and I brought up how I was feeling.
Anyway, I did find it interesting how much my "pent up" anger and frustration was now gone after that particular conversation. For the most part, I do not "fight" with people. I honestly feel that words spoken in anger do more harm than good. I would like to think that in this particular instance, that while I was "angry", what I expressed was not a just said to spite someone, but was a true expression of how something made me feel.
I don't think this experience is going to make me start going around telling everybody about how something makes me feel, but I think I might be a little more open to, given the right circumstance, express my "feelings" about something to help me process through it, and then let it go.
It is interesting however, to note that while talking to others about an "issue" can be helpful (i.e. bff's, significant others, therapists etc), I think it is not quite the same as actually telling the person you have the "issue" with. This is not always possible, and usually can lead to more arguements. I don't recommend just blindly going out and telling every person you have "issues" with exactly how you feel about them, because truely the "issues" are with you. But if there is someone in your life that you are "angry" with, and you think you have a good handle on "why" you are angry (i.e. what is it that you are "really" angry about), if that person is important enough to you, you might be able to have that conversation about it, and then maybe you can get past it and start moving forward again.
Most people are not able to handle someone telling them exactly how they felt about something they did. Most will get defensive and take it like an attack on them, which kinda defeats the purpose. This personal experience however, has made me realize that even if I am listening to someone tell me how something I did made them feel bad, or angry, or sad, or whatever, it is important to let them express those feelings, because while I cannot undo something that I might have done, hopefully by being honest with me about it, it will not fester and become something much bigger than it has to be. Unresolved anger/frustration is nothing but a cancer that eats away at our very soul, so I hope I can be a better friend/husband/father by taking what people might tell me, and hearing it for what it truly is, an opportunity for growth.
I can always hope, right?
Happy Friday everybody!
I think you are quite right. In my first life, I swallow a whole lot of my feelings ... and I have to say that that hasn't worked out all that well. [even tho' I do agree the my issues are most often about me]. I've made it a policy to speak up gently about those things in my second life ... and I think it has strengthened my relationships rather than diminish them -- even if a bit challenging at the time. Thanks for you post :)
Thank you Nissa for the comment!
Obviously each situation is unique, but being able to say important (to you) things to the right people, has been very cathartic for me, and I think I can see how it would be for other people to. Doesn't mean it has to turn into a bitch session.
I am glad you liked that post!